"It was not facing what life dealt that made you crazy, but rather trying to set life straight where it was unstraightenable." from Blue Shoe, Anne Lamott

I talked to my mother on the phone for a long time this week. She was being warm and maternal towards me, a mood inspired by her appreciation of my own recent brush with motherhood. She went on and on about maternal instincts and how happy she was when we were babies. I just listened, all the while thinking that it was beginning to seem like Ingrid might be the closest I'll ever come to having a recipient for my maternal affection.

Nevertheless, I must confess that it was nice to hear her affectionate remembrance of a part of my life that I can't remember for myself. She told me about how people always thought Matthew and I were twins because we were so close in age and how different we were in personality, even at three and four years old. She said we would go outside to play together and an hour later we would come back in, Matthew the portrait of perfection and me covered in dirt from head to toe. We'd play in the sand box and Matthew would carefully and quietly pour the sand from cup to cup while I would pour the sand on my head. Some things never change. I learn by submersion. I can't just pour ideas from cup to cup and observe their properties. I want to experience things, to know their true nature. It makes me crazy to try to live life in a straight line, adopting the values of others, never touching things for myself. Some people are built for this sort of detatched lifestyle, but I'm just not one of them. I would rather roll around in life, pour it on my head, feel it between my toes.